Woody Allen Quotes And Sayings

Woody Allen is an American actor, author, filmmaker, comedian, playwright, and musician, whose career spans more than six decades. He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian.

My One Regret In Life Is That I Am Not Someone Else.

Sex Without Love Is A Meaningless Experience, But As Far As Meaningless Experiences Go Its Pretty Damn Good.

Basically My Wife Was Immature. I'd Be At Home In The Bath And She'd Come In And Sink My Boats.

Eternal Nothingness Is Fine If You Happen To Be Dressed For It.

I Took A Speed-reading Course And Read War And Peace In Twenty Minutes. It Involves Russia.

I Don't Believe In The After Life, Although I Am Bringing A Change Of Underwear.

I Failed To Make The Chess Team Because Of My Height.

Life Is Divided Into The Horrible And The Miserable.

There Are Worse Things In Life Than Death. Have You Ever Spent An Evening With An Insurance Salesman?

Students Achieving Oneness Will Move On To Twoness.

In Beverly Hills... They Don't Throw Their Garbage Away. They Make It Into Television Shows.

Life Is Full Of Misery, Loneliness, And Suffering - And It's All Over Much Too Soon.

Some Guy Hit My Fender, And I Told Him, 'Be Fruitful And Multiply,' But Not In Those Words.

Eighty Percent Of Success Is Showing Up.

If My Films Make One More Person Miserable, I'll Feel I Have Done My Job.

I Believe There Is Something Out There Watching Us. Unfortunately, It's The Government.

What If Nothing Exists And We're All In Somebody's Dream?

I Was Nauseous And Tingly All Over. I Was Either In Love Or I Had Smallpox.

You Can Live To Be A Hundred If You Give Up All The Things That Make You Want To Live To Be A Hundred.

Right Now It's Only A Notion, But I Think I Can Get The Money To Make It Into A Concept, And Later Turn It Into An Idea.

Harvard Makes Mistakes Too, You Know. Kissinger Taught There.

Comedy Just Pokes At Problems, Rarely Confronts Them Squarely. Drama Is Like A Plate Of Meat And Potatoes, Comedy Is Rather The Dessert, A Bit Like Meringue.

Life Doesn't Imitate Art, It Imitates Bad Television.

Not Only Is There No God, But Try Finding A Plumber On Sunday.

As The Poet Said, 'Only God Can Make A Tree,' Probably Because It's So Hard To Figure Out How To Get The Bark On.

Seventy Percent Of Success In Life Is Showing Up.

Tradition Is The Illusion Of Permanance.

I Will Not Eat Oysters. I Want My Food Dead. Not Sick. Not Wounded. Dead.

Why Are Our Days Numbered And Not, Say, Lettered?

If You're Not Failing Every Now And Again, It's A Sign You're Not Doing Anything Very Innovative.

To You I'm An Atheist; To God, I'm The Loyal Opposition.

I'd Call Him A Sadistic, Hippophilic Necrophile, But That Would Be Beating A Dead Horse.

He Was So Depressed, He Tried To Commit Suicide By Inhaling Next To An Armenian.

What If Everything Is An Illusion And Nothing Exists? In That Case, I Definitely Overpaid For My Carpet.

I'm Very Proud Of My Gold Pocket Watch. My Grandfather, On His Deathbed, Sold Me This Watch.

In My House I'm The Boss, My Wife Is Just The Decision Maker.

If You Want To Make God Laugh, Tell Him About Your Plans.

My Luck Is Getting Worse And Worse. Last Night, For Instance, I Was Mugged By A Quaker.

I'm Astounded By People Who Want To 'Know' The Universe When It's Hard Enough To Find Your Way Around Chinatown.

Organized Crime In America Takes In Over Forty Billion Dollars A Year And Spends Very Little On Office Supplies.

I Don't Think My Parents Liked Me. They Put A Live Teddy Bear In My Crib.

I Think Being Funny Is Not Anyone's First Choice.

Man Consists Of Two Parts, His Mind And His Body, Only The Body Has More Fun.

The Lion And The Calf Shall Lie Down Together But The Calf Won't Get Much Sleep.

I've Never Been An Intellectual But I Have This Look.

I'm Not Afraid To Die, I Just Don't Want To Be There When It Happens.

The Talent For Being Happy Is Appreciating And Liking What You Have, Instead Of What You Don't Have.

I Had A Terrible Education. I Attended A School For Emotionally Disturbed Teachers.

I Am Two With Nature.

I Ran Into Isosceles. He Had A Great Idea For A New Triangle!