W. C. Fields Quotes And Sayings

William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler and writer. Fields’ comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist, who remained a sympathetic character despite his snarling contempt for dogs and children. His career in show business began in vaudeville, where he attained international success as a silent juggler. He gradually incorporated comedy into his act, and was a featured comedian in the Ziegfeld Follies for several years.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. There's No Point In Being A Damn Fool About It.

Abstaining Is Favorable Both To The Head And The Pocket.

I Cook With Wine, Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food.

I Like Children - Fried.

A Woman Drove Me To Drink And I Didn't Even Have The Decency To Thank Her.

Last Week, I Went To Philadelphia, But It Was Closed.

Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals Can't Be All Bad.

You Can't Trust Water: Even A Straight Stick Turns Crooked In It.

It Was A Woman Who Drove Me To Drink, And I Never Had The Courtesy To Thank Her For It.

On The Whole, I'd Rather Be In Philidelphia.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull.

The World Is Getting To Be Such A Dangerous Place, A Man Is Lucky To Get Out Of It Alive.

Drown In A Cold Vat Of Whiskey? Death, Where Is Thy Sting?

The Best Cure For Insomnia Is To Get A Lot Of Sleep.

Never Cry Over Spilt Milk, Because It May Have Been Poisoned.

The Laziest Man I Ever Met Put Popcorn In His Pancakes So They Would Turn Over By Themselves.

Now Don't Say You Can't Swear Off Drinking; It's Easy. I've Done It A Thousand Times.

Reminds Me Of My Safari In Africa. Somebody Forgot The Corkscrew And For Several Days We Had To Live On Nothing But Food And Water.

Ah, The Patter Of Little Feet Around The House. There's Nothing Like Having A Midget For A Butler.

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.

I Like To Keep A Bottle Of Stimulant Handy In Case I See A Snake, Which I Also Keep Handy.

Women Are Like Elephants. I Like To Look At 'Em, But I Wouldn't Want To Own One.

Horse Sense Is The Thing A Horse Has Which Keeps It From Betting On People.

There Comes A Time In The Affairs Of Man When He Must Take The Bull By The Tail And Face The Situation.

I Drink Therefore I Am.

It's Morally Wrong To Allow A Sucker To Keep His Money.

Show Me A Great Actor And I'll Show You A Lousy Husband. Show Me A Great Actress, And You've Seen The Devil.

I Never Drink Water; That Is The Stuff That Rusts Pipes.

Remember, A Dead Fish Can Float Downstream, But It Takes A Live One To Swim Upstream.

I Am An Expert Of Electricity. My Father Occupied The Chair Of Applied Electricity At The State Prison.

I Once Spent A Year In Philadelphia, I Think It Was On A Sunday.

Here Lies W. C. Fields. I Would Rather Be Living In Philadelphia.

I Am Free Of All Prejudices. I Hate Everyone Equally.

If There's A Will, Prosperity Can't Be Far Behind.

Children Should Neither Be Seen Or Heard From - Ever Again.

Don't Worry About Your Heart, It Will Last You As Long As You Live.

No Doubt Exists That All Women Are Crazy; It's Only A Question Of Degree.

Sleep - The Most Beautiful Experience In Life - Except Drink.

There Are Only Two Real Ways To Get Ahead Today - Sell Liquor Or Drink It.

The Clever Cat Eats Cheese And Breathes Down Rat Holes With Baited Breath.

Set Up Another Case Bartender! The Best Thing For A Case Of Nerves Is A Case Of Scotch.

When We Have Lost Everything, Including Hope, Life Becomes A Disgrace, And Death A Duty.

Never Try To Impress A Woman, Because If You Do She'll Expect You To Keep Up The Standard For The Rest Of Your Life.

Start Every Day Off With A Smile And Get It Over With.

I'd Like To See Paris Before I Die... Philadelphia Will Do.

Some Things Are Better Than Sex, And Some Are Worse, But There's Nothing Exactly Like It.

I Never Worry About Being Driven To Drink; I Just Worry About Being Driven Home.

The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Another Dollar A Quart.

I Must Have A Drink Of Breakfast.