Steven Wright Quotes And Sayings

Last Night I Stayed Up Late Playing Poker With Tarot Cards. I Got A Full House And Four People Died.

My Theory Of Evolution Is That Darwin Was Adopted.

When I Was Crossing The Border Into Canada, They Asked If I Had Any Firearms With Me. I Said, 'Well, What Do You Need?'

Right Now I'm Having Amnesia And Deja Vu At The Same Time.

I'm Writing A Book. I've Got The Page Numbers Done.

If You Saw A Heat Wave, Would You Wave Back?

If You Are In A Spaceship That Is Traveling At The Speed Of Light, And You Turn On The Headlights, Does Anything Happen?

If You Had A Million Shakespeares, Could They Write Like A Monkey?

I Went To The Museum Where They Had All The Heads And Arms From The Statues That Are In All The Other Museums.

I Bought Some Instant Water One Time But I Didn't Know What To Add To It.

I Live On A One-way Street That's Also A Dead End. I'm Not Sure How I Got There.

If You Were Going To Shoot A Mime, Would You Use A Silencer?

I Stayed In A Really Old Hotel Last Night. They Sent Me A Wake-up Letter.

I'm Standing Behind A Wall Of Jokes. You Don't Know About My Personal Life, My Girlfriends, Or What I Do When I'm Not On The Road. There's This Guy, This Comedian, And This Is How He Thinks, But People Really Don't Know Anything About Me.

There's Something About Being In Front Of A Live Audience That's Fun. It's A Really Interesting, Very Electric, Very Alive, And Intense Experience, And You Can't Get It Anywhere Else. And I've Been Doing It Since I Was 23, So It's Part Of My Being - It's Part Of My Fabric As A Person.

I Was Always Making My Friends Laugh, But I Never Wanted The Attention Of The Whole Classroom.

My Favorite Book Is Anything By Kurt Vonnegut - He's My Literary Hero. I Got To Meet Him Several Times, Which Was A Great Thrill For Me. I Don't Really Remember What We Talked About.

Be Nice To Your Children. After All, They Are Going To Choose Your Nursing Home.

What I Like About The Jokes, To Me It's A Lot Of Logic, No Matter How Crazy They Are. It Has To Make Absolute Sense, Or It Won't Be Funny.

If You Think Nobody Cares About You, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

Don't You Hate When Your Hand Falls Asleep And You Know It Will Be Up All Night.

My Doctor Told Me I Shouldn't Work Out Until I'm In Better Shape. I Told Him, 'All Right; Don't Send Me A Bill Until I Pay You.'

I've Always Had To Conquer Fear When I'm On Stage. Basically, I Was And Still Am A Very Shy Person. It's Absolutely In Conflict With What I Do. But Once I Deliver The First Joke I'm Okay. It's Like I'm Out There All By Myself Just Delivering My Lines To Nobody In Particular Without Ever Trying To Notice The Audience In Front Of Me.

I Like To Talk About Lint And Coasters, The Expansion Of The Universe And Maybe Mcdonald's. I'm Completely Turned Off By The Idea Of Politics.

It Usually Helps Me Write By Reading - Somehow The Reading Gear In Your Head Turns The Writing Gear.

I'm Used To Seeing It, But It's Weird Having An Academy Award. You Usually Only See One Of Them On The Tv Show When They Give Them Out, So It's Kind Of Surreal To Have One In Your House.

Sometimes I Wish My First Word Was 'Quote,' So That On My Death Bed, My Last Words Could Be 'End Quote.'

They Say The Universe Is Expanding. That Should Help With The Traffic.

I Look Like A Casual, Laid-back Guy, But It's Like A Circus In My Head.

I Never Even Thought Of Myself As Deadpan Until Someone Wrote An Article About Me About A Year After I Was Doing Comedy. There Was A Paper Called The 'Boston Phoenix,' And Someone Wrote A Description Of What I Was Doing And That's Where I First Saw 'Deadpan.'

People May Think I'm Trying Something New By Telling Stories, But They're Just Jokes Connected To Give The Illusion Of Stories. But Really, I Just Continue Using My Imagination And Creating. That's What I Do.