Steven Wright Quotes And Sayings

I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was A Suspect.

There's A Fine Line Between Fishing And Just Standing On The Shore Like An Idiot.

I Saw A Bank That Said '24 Hour Banking', But I Don't Have That Much Time.

For My Birthday I Got A Humidifier And A De-humidifier... I Put Them In The Same Room And Let Them Fight It Out.

You Can't Have Everything. Where Would You Put It?

Hermits Have No Peer Pressure.

What A Nice Night For An Evening.

I Think It's Wrong That Only One Company Makes The Game Monopoly.

I Remember When The Candle Shop Burned Down. Everyone Stood Around Singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I Love Eating Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream After A Show. I Almost Justify It In My Mind As, 'You Were A Good Boy Onstage And You Did Your Show, So Now You Can Have Some Cake And Ice Cream.'

Honestly, I Just Go To Restaurants To Eat So I Won't Die. If There Was A Pill I Could Take In January And Then I Wouldn't Have To Eat Again For The Rest Of The Year, I Would Take It. Of Course, I Wouldn't Want To Sacrifice My Chocolate Cake And Ice Cream.

I Need One Of Those Baby Monitors From My Subconscious To My Consciousness So I Can Know What The Hell I'm Really Thinking About.

I Liked School, But I Used To Dread Those Moments When The Teacher Would Call Me Up To Give An Oral Report. I Forced Myself To Deal With It And Not Dwell On The Class In Front Of Me - To Keep A Straight Face, Give The Report And Concentrate On Getting It Right. That's Normally How I Perform. That's How I Am.

I Don't Go Off And Sit Down And Try To Write Material, Because Then It's Contrived And Forced. I Just Live My Life, And I See Things In A Word Or A Situation Or A Concept, And It Will Create A Joke For Me.

What's Another Word For Thesaurus?

My Mother Is From Another Time - The Funniest Person To Her Is Lucille Ball; That's What She Loves. A Lot Of Times She Tells Me She Doesn't Know What I'm Talking About. I Know If I Wasn't Her Son And She Was Flipping Through The Tv And Saw Me, She Would Just Keep Going.

I've Been Thinking Of Humorous Things Since I Was... I Can't Remember When. All The Way Through Elementary School, All The Way Through Junior High, All The Way Through High School, Through College And After College, I Was Thinking Of The Same Kinds Of Things That I Say In Front Of An Audience Now.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Then Skydiving Definitely Isn't For You.

When I'm On Stage, It's Really Intense. My Mind Is Going A Million Miles An Hour, Trying To Remember My Act, Trying To Say It All The Right Way. It's Funny How Different It Looks And How It's Happening. There Are Three Fellini Circuses In My Head, And Outwardly It Looks Like I'm Going To Get A Bagel.

Someone Asked Me, If I Were Stranded On A Desert Island What Book Would I Bring... 'How To Build A Boat.'

I Put Instant Coffee In A Microwave Oven And Almost Went Back In Time.

If A Word In The Dictionary Were Misspelled, How Would We Know?

I Had To Stop Driving My Car For A While... The Tires Got Dizzy.

I Replaced The Headlights In My Car With Strobe Lights, So It Looks Like I'm The Only One Moving.

I Have An Answering Machine In My Car. It Says, I'm Home Now. But Leave A Message And I'll Call When I'm Out.

I Intend To Live Forever. So Far, So Good.

When I Was A Little Kid We Had A Sand Box. It Was A Quicksand Box. I Was An Only Child... Eventually.

I Installed A Skylight In My Apartment... The People Who Live Above Me Are Furious!

I Had A Friend Who Was A Clown. When He Died, All His Friends Went To The Funeral In One Car.

If You Tell A Joke In The Forest, But Nobody Laughs, Was It A Joke?

The Bermuda Triangle Got Tired Of Warm Weather. It Moved To Alaska. Now Santa Claus Is Missing.

It Doesn't Matter What Temperature The Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

Sponges Grow In The Ocean. That Just Kills Me. I Wonder How Much Deeper The Ocean Would Be If That Didn't Happen.

I Saw A Subliminal Advertising Executive, But Only For A Second.

I Used To Work In A Fire Hydrant Factory. You Couldn't Park Anywhere Near The Place.

If You Shoot At Mimes, Should You Use A Silencer?

My Secret To Staying Young... Having No Sense Of Time.

When I Woke Up This Morning My Girlfriend Asked Me, 'Did You Sleep Good?' I Said 'No, I Made A Few Mistakes.'

Everywhere Is Within Walking Distance If You Have The Time.

I Went To The Bank And Asked To Borrow A Cup Of Money. They Said, 'What For?' I Said, 'I'm Going To Buy Some Sugar.'

I Was Trying To Daydream, But My Mind Kept Wandering.

Do You Think That When They Asked George Washington For Id That He Just Whipped Out A Quarter?

I Have The World's Largest Collection Of Seashells. I Keep It On All The Beaches Of The World... Perhaps You've Seen It.

Ever Notice How Irons Have A Setting For Permanent Press? I Don't Get It.

I Play The Harmonica. The Only Way I Can Play Is If I Get My Car Going Really Fast, And Stick It Out The Window.

I Watched The Indy 500, And I Was Thinking That If They Left Earlier They Wouldn't Have To Go So Fast.

It Doesn't Make A Difference What Temperature A Room Is, It's Always Room Temperature.

It's A Small World, But I Wouldn't Want To Have To Paint It.

I Like To Reminisce With People I Don't Know.