Mitch Hedberg Quotes And Sayings

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

Y'know, You Can't Please All The People All The Time... And Last Night, All Those People Were At My Show.

I Like To Hold The Microphone Cord Like This, I Pinch It Together, Then I Let It Go, Then You Hear A Whole Bunch Of Jokes At Once.

You Know When They Have A Fishing Show On Tv? They Catch The Fish And Then Let It Go. They Don't Want To Eat The Fish, They Just Want To Make It Late For Something.

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs. You Should Never See An Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order Sign, Just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

I Know A Lot About Cars, Man. I Can Look At Any Car's Headlights And Tell You Exactly Which Way It's Coming.

I Wear A Necklace, Cause I Wanna Know When I'm Upside Down.

I'd Like To Get Four People Who Do Cart Wheels Very Good, And Make A Cart.