Mitch Hedberg Quotes And Sayings

Mitchell Lee “Mitch” Hedberg was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Hedberg’s comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them.

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

I'm Sick Of Following My Dreams. I'm Just Going To Ask Them Where They're Goin', And Hook Up With Them Later.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8? That Joke Came Off The Top Of My Head, And The Top Of My Head Ain't Funny!

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'I'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

My Sister Wanted To Be An Actress, But She Never Made It. She Does Live In A Trailer. She Got Halfway. She's An Actress, She Just Never Gets Called To The Set.

I Bought A Seven-dollar Pen Because I Always Lose Pens And I Got Sick Of Not Caring.

I Can Whistle With My Fingers, Especially If I Have A Whistle.

Fettucini Alfredo Is Macaroni And Cheese For Adults.

I Drank Some Boiling Water Because I Wanted To Whistle.

I Like To Play Blackjack. I'm Not Addicted To Gambling. I'm Addicted To Sitting In A Semi-circle.

I Recently Took Up Ice Sculpting. Last Night I Made An Ice Cube. This Morning I Made 12, I Was Prolific.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

I Saw A Human Pyramid Once. It Was Very Unnecessary.

I Remixed A Remix, It Was Back To Normal.

I Used To Be A Hot-tar Roofer. Yeah, I Remember That... Day.

I'm A Heroine Addict. I Need To Have Sex With Women Who Have Saved Someone's Life.

I Would Imagine That If You Could Understand Morse Code, A Tap Dancer Would Drive You Crazy.

I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

If I Had Nine Of My Fingers Missing I Wouldn't Type Any Slower.

People Teach Their Dogs To Sit; It's A Trick. I've Been Sitting My Whole Life, And A Dog Has Never Looked At Me As Though He Thought I Was Tricky.

Rice Is Great If You're Really Hungry And Want To Eat Two Thousand Of Something.

I Wish I Could Play Little League Now. I'd Be Way Better Than Before.

I Once Saw A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. And It Was Way To Literal For Me.

My Friend Asked Me If I Wanted A Frozen Banana. I Said 'No, But I Want A Regular Banana Later, So... Yeah.'

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

It's Very Dangerous To Wave To People You Don't Know Because What If They Don't Have Hands? They'll Think You're Cocky.

The Depressing Thing About Tennis Is That No Matter How Good I Get, I'll Never Be As Good As A Wall.

A Severed Foot Is The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer.

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled By A Really Weak Guy, All Day. Wearing A Backpack And A Turtleneck Is Like A Weak Midget Trying To Bring You Down.

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because That Would Be Too Long.

Do You Think I Am Standing Here, Making This Up As I Go? I Am Sorry To Disillusion You. I Am Not Robin Williams. I Am The King Of The Pen.

My Belt Holds My Pants Up, But The Belt Loops Hold My Belt Up. I Don't Really Know What's Happening Down There. Who Is The Real Hero?

I'm Against Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

If Carrots Got You Drunk, Rabbits Would Be Messed-up.

A Waffle Is Like A Pancake With A Syrup Trap.

Spaghetti... I Can't Eat Spaghetti, There's Too Many Of Them. No Matter How Hungry I Am, 1,000 Of Something Is Too Many. I'll Have 1,000 Pieces Of Noodles.

It's Weird... People Say They're Not Like Apes. Now How Do You Explain Football Then?

This Shirt Is Dry Clean Only. Which Means... It's Dirty.

When Someone Hands You A Flyer, It's Like They're Saying Here You Throw This Away.

Is A Hippopotamus A Hippopotamus, Or Just A Really Cool Opotamus?

All These Jokes Have Been Pre-approved As Funny By Me.

I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

Dogs Are Forever In The Push Up Postion.

I Think Foosball Is A Combination Of Soccer And Shish Kabobs.

Every Book Is A Children's Book If The Kid Can Read!

I Like Refried Beans. That's Why I Wanna Try Fried Beans, Because Maybe They're Just As Good And We're Just Wasting Time. You Don't Have To Fry Them Again After All.

I Wanted To Buy A Candle Holder, But The Store Didn't Have One. So I Got A Cake.

I Was At This Casino Minding My Own Business, And This Guy Came Up To Me And Said, 'You're Gonna Have To Move, You're Blocking A Fire Exit.' As Though If There Was A Fire, I Wasn't Gonna Run. If You're Flammible And Have Legs, You Are Never Blocking A Fire Exit.