Groucho Marx Quotes And Sayings

Julius Henry Marx, known professionally as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian, film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.

A Hospital Bed Is A Parked Taxi With The Meter Running.

Politics Is The Art Of Looking For Trouble, Finding It Everywhere, Diagnosing It Incorrectly And Applying The Wrong Remedies.

A Woman Is An Occasional Pleasure But A Cigar Is Always A Smoke.

Before I Speak, I Have Something Important To Say.

No Man Goes Before His Time - Unless The Boss Leaves Early.

I Was Married By A Judge. I Should Have Asked For A Jury.

I Must Say I Find Television Very Educational. The Minute Somebody Turns It On, I Go To The Library And Read A Good Book.

I've Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening. But This Wasn't It.

Well, Art Is Art, Isn't It? Still, On The Other Hand, Water Is Water. And East Is East And West Is West And If You Take Cranberries And Stew Them Like Applesauce They Taste Much More Like Prunes Than Rhubarb Does. Now You Tell Me What You Know.

Humor Is Reason Gone Mad.

Politics Doesn't Make Strange Bedfellows - Marriage Does.

Behind Every Successful Man Is A Woman, Behind Her Is His Wife.

I Find Television Very Educating. Every Time Somebody Turns On The Set, I Go Into The Other Room And Read A Book.

Military Intelligence Is A Contradiction In Terms.

The First Thing Which I Can Record Concerning Myself Is, That I Was Born. These Are Wonderful Words. This Life, To Which Neither Time Nor Eternity Can Bring Diminution - This Everlasting Living Soul, Began. My Mind Loses Itself In These Depths.

The Secret Of Life Is Honesty And Fair Dealing. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

Alimony Is Like Buying Hay For A Dead Horse.

She Got Her Looks From Her Father. He's A Plastic Surgeon.

Either He's Dead Or My Watch Has Stopped.

My Favourite Poem Is The One That Starts 'Thirty Days Hath September' Because It Actually Tells You Something.

Women Should Be Obscene And Not Heard.

Quote Me As Saying I Was Mis-quoted.

I Refuse To Join Any Club That Would Have Me As A Member.

A Black Cat Crossing Your Path Signifies That The Animal Is Going Somewhere.

Anyone Who Says He Can See Through Women Is Missing A Lot.

All People Are Born Alike - Except Republicans And Democrats.

Why Should I Care About Posterity? What's Posterity Ever Done For Me?

Getting Older Is No Problem. You Just Have To Live Long Enough.

I've Got The Brain Of A Four Year Old. I'll Bet He Was Glad To Be Rid Of It.

Marriage Is A Wonderful Institution, But Who Wants To Live In An Institution?

If I Held You Any Closer I Would Be On The Other Side Of You.

If You've Heard This Story Before, Don't Stop Me, Because I'd Like To Hear It Again.

I Intend To Live Forever, Or Die Trying.

I, Not Events, Have The Power To Make Me Happy Or Unhappy Today. I Can Choose Which It Shall Be. Yesterday Is Dead, Tomorrow Hasn't Arrived Yet. I Have Just One Day, Today, And I'm Going To Be Happy In It.

There's One Way To Find Out If A Man Is Honest - Ask Him. If He Says, 'Yes,' You Know He Is A Crook.

From The Moment I Picked Your Book Up Until I Laid It Down, I Was Convulsed With Laughter. Someday I Intend Reading It.

Next Time I See You, Remind Me Not To Talk To You.

I'm Leaving Because The Weather Is Too Good. I Hate London When It's Not Raining.

I Read In The Newspapers They Are Going To Have 30 Minutes Of Intellectual Stuff On Television Every Monday From 7:30 To 8. To Educate America. They Couldn't Educate America If They Started At 6:30.

A Man's Only As Old As The Woman He Feels.

I Don't Care To Belong To A Club That Accepts People Like Me As Members.

I Have Had A Perfectly Wonderful Evening, But This Wasn't It.

Go, And Never Darken My Towels Again.

My Mother Loved Children - She Would Have Given Anything If I Had Been One.

A Child Of Five Would Understand This. Send Someone To Fetch A Child Of Five.

I Worked My Way Up From Nothing To A State Of Extreme Poverty.

Practically Everybody In New York Has Half A Mind To Write A Book, And Does.

Why A Four-year-old Child Could Understand This Report. Run Out And Find Me A Four-year-old Child. I Can't Make Head Nor Tail Out Of It.

Military Justice Is To Justice What Military Music Is To Music.

Man Does Not Control His Own Fate. The Women In His Life Do That For Him.